What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 16:58
I waited trembling.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Are you afraid of being alone?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She wouldn,t have been !
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I never cut or harmed myself..
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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Why did i forgive my father ?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I said to her
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
So, i spoilt her more .
What does it feel like wearing tights?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I was very sick at this time too.
She loved him until the end.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im still living with it.
What did i know ?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And i lived it daily.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My life is so biszare .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I think the readers, may guess!
I have no regrets .
I was scared of men, in general
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I will be 64.
She was in good health!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
So whats the point in blame.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
All the time i was locked up.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We were not on the streets..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But ive been too sick for many years..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Was to survive, this bastard.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Ive learnt so much.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We all went to grammer schools
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Who then, do I blame.?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She found it foreign!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
When she asked me how she looked .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
It was going to be , some day.
I was 9 years of age.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My family never makes their pension either.
Would this be the day?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But, we were locked up after school.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Put me off passion for life!!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But it wasn’t much.
I was seconnd youngest,
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
This is soul school!.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I don,t even have a pension.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I couldn’t, believe it.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Especially a lifetime of it.
She married twice! .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Comes on , in middle age.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I write beautiful poetry .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
One cannot live in the past .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He knew the spot.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.